sidethoughts

it's seriously stupid.... it's like i know that i'vegot to be chionging my homework now but i'm like using the comp and not doing any of my homework... seriously what's the problem with me?! like later on i'll be meeting the class to get bbq stuff for a chalet that i'm not going cos of homework.. and later on i've got to settle my own lunch... i know that i've got to like not worry about the future and just place it in God's hands but whenever i think about what or how things are going to be like, i just find myself worrying all over again. and i worry so much that i dont do anything.. 6 days left till school reopens and i've got loads of homework.. i'm just soo afraid of the year ahead till i just dont feel like doing anything that has got to do with homework.... currently my main problem is lunch.. i dont like having lunch on my own so like i guess i'll just get a bun on the way... i hate this feeling.. makes me feel kinda useless... like i cant do anything on my own... HOWW?!!! omg...i just wish i've got the whole day to myself.... i dont feel like leaving the house today.... crapp... that's just how i feel now.. completely crappy... i'm afraid of school.. guess i'm just afraid of facing the future.. the thought of the a lvls ruins it all... lots of mj students drop out of a lvls nearing the actual exam and i'm soo afraid that i'll do the same thing.. i know that i'll have to trust God that He'll be there for me but i just cant help but feel scared and like unprepared and like completely gone case...... i hate this... i hate feeling so pessimistic... well, i hate my school, what more can i say?

Amidst the rain,
A sun emerged,
All refreshing, a change.

The new seems welcoming,
A new opportunity, perhaps?
It all seems right.

Slight drizzle, occasionally.
And the sun to enjoy, sometimes.
It all still seemed right.

Thunder.
Lightning.
Drenched.
The sun left.
It's not right anymore.

You coloured the landscape with warmth and tranquility
And for the first time, I knew the scent of love
Bathed in radiant sunlight, nothing could make me fear
But that brightness made shadows invisible

If I tightly held your hand
With what kind of strength
Things like those other people
Might have been gone for good

Like not getting wet in the unending rain
Shoulder pressed to the way home
From that place you disappeared
Even now, the rain keeps falling on me

As time flows by
My feelings are on the road towards you
With the scent of first love

If I could walk towards
The deepest part of your heart
With shaking shoulders, I wonder,
If we could just meet honestly

If the unending rain could
Roughly wash away my mistakes
I'd search for the words to reach you
But even now, the rain keeps falling

I can see your face floating behind my eyelids
After the tears, everything about you
I don't want to forget, I can't forget
Grief is just like this

Like not getting wet in the unending rain
Shoulder pressed to the way home
From that place you disappeared
Even now, the rain keeps falling on me

                                                                                        So I Say, So I Believe [DeviantArt]

Once I took a leap of faith The light of God was on my face Once I stood for what is right These days I'm lucky if I just get by I guess it never really stuck Too many problems under the hood Is that really how it works? I believe in the Son of Man The Son of God and His grand plan I believe He died for me Crushed for my inequities You might not know it just to see I guess it doesn't matter what I say When all my actions fade away But don't look me in the eyes I'm afraid you'll see my bad disguise I'm not afraid of making change But man, these things are so ingrained I believe in the Son of Man The Son of God and His grand plan I believe He died for me Crushed for my inequities Is what I'm saying really true? Am I the living, breathing truth? The world looks for guys like me People afraid to take what's free If I believe in what I do Then why can't God change me too? If He's the One omnipotent being Then what is it I'm not seeing? God is alive and loving me This is exactly where I'm supposed to be Overcoming this adversity Finding new ways to say I'm free With a joyous shout I can say: I believe in the Son of Man The Son of God and His grand plan I believe He died for me Crushed for my inequities I understand that this life's a gift And God has s purpose for it I know the truth, there are no ifs

tang xin feng bao is seriously super nice... mygosh!!! and alfred died!! it's damn sad and sweet at the same time... how is it that sad and sweet things blend so perfectly? spent today's episode in tears... the aftermath of alfred's death... it's just all so sad and touching and heart-throbbing (probably cos alfred is just so shuai:X)

today was kinda depressing in the afternoon and there came a turnabout in events and i guess i really have got to thank God for saving the day.. like always.. hahas. God is such a supreme God, an awesome Father, a loyal Friend, a faithful Lover. He's just so great and life is indeed impossible without Him. I love You Lord. You alone are good. You paid the price.... Christ Jesus, You are really a great friend and You rock!! haha!! i have no idea at all how to express my feelings for You except to say that "You rock".. haha!! but i'm pretty sure You get what i mean((:

a thought came into my mind today... what's God's purpose for separating me from all the people i'm close to and comfortable with? i guess i'll just have to wait for the answer...

i hate this feeling, this feeling of being dry... like there's no specific or clear direction i'm heading... like there's no purpose in whatever i'm doing... now i understand what it means to be spiritually dry... it really feels like you're thirsting for something... i havent been doing quiet time the past week and the change from the previous week when i did do quiet time has been drastic..... i really want God to be the centre of my life.... i dont want to drift away from God... like what vivien said yesterday during lg, we should strive to be like Christ. it's impossible to reach that level of perfection because no one is perfect except God, but we should still try to strive for that perfection... come to think of it..... by constantly striving to do God's will, we're sort of humbling ourselves.... and that's what i need to do... humble myself.......... i want to continue with quiet time, but something is always keeping me from doing so... and it's kind of irritating and annoying... like you want to do something, but something is keeping you away from it.... i need God in my life right now... i want Him to be a part of my life... i need to speak to God.... cos He's my life...........

the very first time we met was Day 1 of Sec 1 Orientation Camp 2005... which was one of the last few days of dec 2004...... we were in the classroom and we stood in one line in register number order as miss poh read out our names.. in front of me was qin xuan and behind me was you... the 3 of us started talking with each other since our surnames were tay... LOL!! hahas... so both of us started to tag along with each other for the rest of the day's activities... we played some ice-breakers as a class.. one of which led me to realise that samantha goes to the same church as me.... we were to move around in circles and when we came to the chair at the front of the classroom, we were to say out our fears in time before the ogls burst a balloon at the top of our heads... yeahhh.... while moving around, i saw sam and found her familiar... went to ask her what religion is she... kinda tactless, come to think of it (like what if she's not Christian??? hahas!!) her reply was, thankfully, Christian (saves me from the embarrasment that would have occurred if her reply was otherwise.....) asked her which church she goes to and she said pentecost methodist church.. i was like "eh? i also!" hahas..... lol.... then i introduced both of you to each other.... we became good friends ever since..... during the camp, both u and sam felt homesick and not really feeling well.... u were having cramps!!! HAHA!!:XX we spent the nights in the tent, shared by cheryl, u, me, qinxuan and yuenching (haha!! chingching!.. lol.. random)...in the middle of the first night, u were like "siewyee, sorry.. can pei me go toilet?" i was like "huh? what time is it?" and u were like "12 i think.. so sorry..." i was like "never mind..." "soo sorry..." "never mind never mind"........ accompanied you to the staff toilet near the new block, near the labs in the old block.... near the old hod staffroom..... u were like "staff one can or not ah?" "dunno.. should be ok.." u went in and i waited outside... inside, u  apologised (AGAIN) for waking me up... i was like "never mind..." (i was like thinking how come this girl everytime say sorry one ah?? HAHA!!)

orientation camp was over.. the 3 of us had recess together.. and there was once when we were all feeling homesick... LOL!! that's a random statement.... during the 40 day fast and pray period, we intended to fast recess every school day... subsequently, we fasted on solid food during the recesses that were right after pe... cos pe very tiring lahs... so need to at least drink something.... remembered that we ALWAYS bought the qoo lemon and dunnowat drink from the vending machine... HAHA!! had prata during most recesses... and fries!! on wednesdays....HAHA!! there was once when we asked each other if we would place friendship over studies or studies over friendship... sam's reply was studies over friendship (though the ans wasnt very ideal to me, at least it was honest((:)... my reply was friendship over studies, though i wasnt sure of what i really feel is more impt... just thought it was the "morally right" answer...LOL.. ur reply was friendship over studies.. u were quite sure of ur answer and u said that even if ur best friend drops to na, u would drop to na too.........

slowly, we formed quite a large circle of friends...... yuenching as the father/priest (LLOLL), erika as her adopted son, u and sam as her adopted daughters... me as erika's 3rd wife... her first wife was diana, 2nd was lydia... cant rmb the rest..... this circle soon enlarged to include bryan, tim and joel..... LIT "PLAY" (or was it skit?? hahas)!!! erika, u, sam n i formed a grp... THE FOUR LITTLE PIGS!!! we were like all pinkyyyy on the day of the "performance"... took neoprints after tat (we looked super kuku!!xPP)

ok... shall move on to sec 2...... shall focus on the HAPPY TIMES!! kk... erms.... oh!! (RANDOM: is it me or does "again" by faber drive sound a bit like "sleepless nights"???) nik and yongkin joined this clique... they were erika's long-lost brothers..... LOL lehs!! hahaas.. dnt times.... everyday stay back after sch to do dnt... the bubble tea shop very happyy cos everyday can zhuan wo men de sheng yi:XXX haha!! nachos waffle.. (sounds familiar?? it tastes horrible now though.... very little cheesexP) strawberry banana smoothie?? or was it milkshake or snowshake or whatever shake??... forget it....

sec 3!!! 3d!!!!! HAHA!! epic yr... we liked the same person!! haizzzzz...... HAHA!! but now dun like le right? DUH!!! recycling competition... went to the one near holy trinity church in tampines to collect newspapers.... it was in the afternoon of the sat fop 2007 session..... HAHA!! u didnt bathe all the way till 12 plus am after fop and survived only on nik's deodorant... STINKYPOOO!! hahas!! delirious!! don moen!! phil pringle!! hahas... we had fun and the place was evidently filled with the Spirit((: .......... i admit that in that yr, i felt that you changed a lot and i wasnt able to accept it...... i was just so caught up with all those critical thoughts that i guess i just neglected everything else.......

sec 4... i was still crtitical.... all the way till the time when i told u abt it...... could tell that u were hurt.... could tell that u were putting on a brave front.... could tell that u were trying your best in salvaging this friendship.... in the end... during english lesson, we passed notes to each other discussing this issue... and u said that you felt that we were drifting apart and u saw that i became closer with rcy ppl so u let me draw closer to them and u said that since u have let this friendship down, maybe we should stop this friendship......... but the truth is that i was the one who have let this friendship down.... i was the one who should have taken the responsibility.... when u said what you said, i could tell that u were feeling wat i was feeling then... when u said what you said, i teared... it dawned on me that this friendship meant so important to me that just some words on a piece of paper was enough to break my heart.... i didnt want to let go of this friendship... it became a part of my life so much so that i took it for granted... it became a part of my life that i just felt that without this friendship, the whole structure of my life would just collapse..... ever since then, i started to treasure this friendship more than ever... and it felt like the words "best friends forever", that were so often written on neoprints for the fun and joy of it, was beginning to come true.....

this friendship will definitely last^^ THANK GOD FOR YOU, MY SISTER IN CHRIST!!((:

i'm like on a youtube video sharing spree..... hahaha!!

recommended by yulingg, againnnn... HAHAHA!!!